A bit more clarification, an apology and an update..wow!

Hi folks...

Me again...seems like my attempt to sign off in grand style just didn't work! I have had a few people (including my own mother, bless her!) asking for more information regarding the funeral so I apologise if it isn't clear - I suppose because I know what is happening it's clear to me if you see what I mean...

Anyway - the service IS a funeral and David's body will be there (he would never forgive me if he missed it!). The service is at Bromham but afterwards invited family and close friends will travel back to Odell for the burial in the parish church, but then everyone who is able to attend is then invited for food and drink at Odell village Hall. This will all be announced again at the end of the service, but I fully appreciate for those people who are travelling some distance and don't know the area it is a bit confusing! Also regarding the black - it is ok to wear some black eg shoes, trousers , underpants etc as long as you are not entirely in black (my mum has just bought a new pair of black trousers!)

I hope this all makes sense now,,

ps - ok so.. while I am still blogging - thanks with all my heart for all the cards, e mails and texts...too many to mention indvidually...I have been SO touched by them and intend to get a book to put them all into. Myself and the kids are all doing well....being busy sorting out the funeral helps in a strange way, but the simplest and oddest things do make me blub as you might imagine. There have been a lot of tears amongst the laughter in the last few days..for example Chloe and I stood on the drive in silence yesterday morning with tears streaming down our faces as the skip which I had filled in David's absence was loaded onto a lorry and taken away...the driver must have thought we were both mad...and the poor parent of a student whom I tutor who rushed up to me with smiles all over her face as I pulled up outside Pilgrims school to register the death (for those who don't know the school shares a carpark with the registrar's office) and asked me with joyful ignorance 'what are you doing here?' was so mortified when she heard the answer that I am sure she will need therapy!

On a more serious note...the range of emotions we have all been through in the last few days has been incredible...I had a couple of days when all I could do was see his face and hear his breathing....and it was torture..to some moments when I feel a huge sense of relief that he is no longer suffering and it is over...to feelings of guilt that I even feel that way...my heart feels like it has a huge David shaped hole in it now...but the cancer shaped hole which has been there for the last 2 years is there no longer..it is as if the sands of time have run from one to the other..filling up one space but leaving an even bigger and more painful one...but some bits of my life which were not ok...are now ok again..and that helps...and some bits will never be ok again..but the memories are still there and talking to a friend who has been through a very similar experience has also helped..thanks Lorraine...she said that through time the memories will only bring joy...not joy mixed with longing and pain...and I am sure that is true...only time will tell I suppose...

Anyway enough rambling on from me...signing off for now...never say never again...

Flo x