And so to St John's.....

Evening all,

Sorry not to blog last night...the whole family came back to the house after spending the day with David and we had a truly remarkable evening laughing and chatting and then...after reading all your amazing comments on the blog.....finally crying our eyes out together. It was an incredibly emotional night and one I will always remember. I think reality (assisted by a few glasses of wine!) finally hit all of us and we let go and allowed ourselves not to be brave and to show our grief to each other which was so hard to bear but also incredibly cathartic. We hugged and talked and hugged some more and spoke so many precious words which families so rarely get to say to each other (sadly!) both about our love for each other and of course about David and our feelings for him.

The pain of the last 48 hours has been too much to bear at times....and I can't begin to find the words to describe it so I won't even try...but also...strangely...there have also been moments of intense exhilaration when we have celebrated David's life together and have spent precious time both with him and with each other.

So...how is he? David travelled to Moggerhanger in an ambulance late yesterday morning and from the moment we stepped through the door it was like a different world. David is in a room on his own with an en suite shower room, a beautiful view, tv and dvd, a reclining chair and a bed that will put him into whatever position is most comfortable for him all at the touch of a button. I can visit him whenever I wish (even 3 am if I am awake!!) and when you call the nurses they are there within 30 seconds. Hallelujah!! The staff are just wonderful.....nothing is too much trouble and they are listening to what he wants and delivering it without question.

As David himself put it 30 minutes after he arrived they should have a huge slogan at the bottom of the drive 'Croak it in Comfort!' (typical black humour!)

It is a huge relief for him to be there. It is so lovely to come and go as you please without the hassle of busy carparks and lifts that don't work and no privacy. You can have a jacuzzi bath or wander around the gardens, look at the huge carp in the pond, sit in the conservatory and just enjoy spending time together....in fact time just drifts along without you noticing which is lovely.

Yesterday David was very upbeat and chirpy, and coped very well with the transfer, but this morning he was once again in a lot of pain and it took some time to get this under control. He has had a visit from the consultant at the hospice who went through all his symptoms and changed some of the medication he was on which helped greatly and when I left him this evening he was comfortable and relaxed. He is managing small amounts of food and also the steroids do seem to be helping the swelling to a degree. He is becoming very skinny and short of breath which is heartbreaking to see...but in his good moments he has a plan to come home for a day or two and that is keeping his spirits up and giving him something to work towards.

Since making the move he has begun to allow himself to grieve...and the tears are finally coming after all this time. Our hearts are breaking together over our children....the future we will never have together..the grandchildren he will never see...walking Carys up the aisle...and all the dreams and hopes which will never now come true. And yet the love we share somehow makes all the the pain and the hurt bearable...somehow...

Thanks to Ken and Mu for your visit today..it meant so much and was a very precious time for us both. To family and friends....thanks for all your visits/comments/texts etc....as Marion so rightly said in her comment...this is our Gethsemane and it helps so much to know that you are all keeping vigil with us through the days and nights...thankyou all so much.

Florence xx