Words are not enough...

Good morning and what a lovely sunny morning it is -

Firstly thanks with all my heart to everyone who commented on the last blog and the many texts and messages of support that came our way...you are a lovely lot aren't you. I was especially glad to hear from John and his wife - I had heard that he was able to have surgery and is I am so pleased to hear that he is still going strong - bless you both.

Just a quick update today...David is feeling MUCH better - sickness and all other symptoms under control and he is beginning to eat a little again. He just phoned me and for the first time in over a week he sounded like his old self which was WONDERFUL!! He requested that I buy him a narrowboat magazine yesterday (oh so easy to find !!!!) and he was raving about how interesting it was - so yes he's feeling a lot more normal.

We had 2 rather surreal moments yesterday, the first being around 10 am when the Macmillan nurse (Carol), Eleanor (Upper GI nurse) and Yvonne(from St John's) were all gathered around his bed including myself to discuss what was happening and the way forward. David has opened his bowels in the night (won't go into details but suffice to say he needed a shower when I got there!!) and we were all sat around his bed like a little hareem discussing his poo and getting very excited - it was like a scene from a black comedy!

The second surreal moment was in the afternoon - out of nowhere onto the ward appeared a small black gospel choir from a local pentecostal church who started singing hymns and praying for everyone. They came to see David and being a bit put on the spot he thought of the first gospel hymn which he thought they might know which was 'Soon and very soon'. It wasn't until we all started singing that we suddenly realised what the lyrics were and then of course we were all in floods of tears;

'Soon and very soon
We are going to see the King
No more dying there
We are going to see the King,
No more crying there
We are going to see the King,
Hallelujah, hallelujah
We're going to see the King'

It was a moment to cherish and they were so sweet and prayed for him so fervently which was lovely and it was a good excuse for a cuddle and a cry with my hubbie.

What was so good yesterday was that the ladies of the cancer team (mentioned above) finally pulled everything together for us and we now have a plan and it was great just to have things explained clearly and simply. So here we go....David is unable to have surgery as the blockages in his bowel are caused by the cancer in the lining of the bowel (part of the peritoneum) pressing on the bowel. So surgery won't help as the only thing to do would be to take out the bowel entirely which they won't put him through.

The plan now is to get him over to St Johns asap (will be today or Monday I think) where he can have a few days of rest and they can talk to him about his eating, what to do if he becomes unwell again etc and then HOME - HURRAH!

Ok so here is the crunch...we are still waiting on Dr Bulusi to see us ...hopefully today... and I am off down to the hospital shortly to play the waiting game again. He will give us a decision regarding further treatment and reading between the lines I would say it is around 70/30 odds against due to the extent of the spread. If he feels that David won't benefit then he won't do it which is fair enough and we trust that if he feels that he can extend David's life I know he will try to..but it's down to him. If not then we are in the world where we look to control his symptoms and keep him as well as possible over the coming weeks/months and just enjoy our time together.....

I didn't sleep well last night for the first time in a while...but this morning and yesterday both David and I feels God's peace whatever happens...this is not a trite statement...it's just that somehow we both just accept that it is beyond our control.. hence the title of this blog...everything I seemed to say to people yesterday..trying to explain how I felt, just didn't do it justice by a mile...I am hopeful and heartbroken and grieving and grateful all at the same time..sorry for the alliteration...but words are not enough to sum it up and they never will be.

In the midst of all this there you all are...friends...family...mums and dads..brothers and sisters....sons and daughters...dear people we have known just a short while and for many years...oh and Chloe! (only kidding!)and I know that words are not enough for you guys either....

This has been the toughest week of our lives and we couldn't have got through it without all of you so thankyou again...whatever tomorrow brings I know that I've been blessed and nothing can change that...ever.

Finally thanks to my beautiful Amy for stepping into the breach today and doing the training I was supposed to be doing...you are my rock in so many ways.

Will keep you all posted...be good to yourselves today...I recommend Ben and Jerry's Phish food ice cream (thanks to Chloe!)and an episode of Pineapple Dance Studios...fab!

Florence xx