Rocky XV

Hi lovely friends

Today is possibly the first day when I can't bring myself to tell you all that has happened in the last 24 hours because it's all too raw and upsetting and difficult. I feel like I did when David was first diagnosed, that I am living in a nightmare world where all the days start to merge into one and I hope that at some point I will wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream and all the pain and grief and stress that I am living under will fade into memory. But I am sadly wide awake and the nightmare is very real and it is a infinitely worse for David, which hurts even more. At the moment I feel like I am rolling with the punches, each one of which floors me and I just have to keep coming back for more, rushing from hope to utter despair and back again. Please believe me when I say that I am not trying to be over dramatic and honestly no one can help - it's just the truth of where I am at and tonight I am not feeling brave or positive...just tired and lonely. I know you are all there for us...thankyou...

However my friends what I can do is give you an overview and happily there is some good news in there. The very good news is that the anti sickness drugs finally seem to be working and David is beginning to feel better after a very shaky start this morning where his blood pressure dropped dramatically and he was in terrible pain and they rushed him in for an x ray to try and find out what was happening. As the day progressed his blood pressure also returned to fairly normal and the pain lessened so physically things are a bit more positive.

I have to be at the hospital for 8.30 tomorrow as the surgical team took a look at today's scan and may decide to give him an operation to relieve a blockage in his bowel which they said on Friday was not there. They are apparently coming in the morning to speak to him but what this blockage is or what the surgery might entail I have no clue as the surgeon who came to see him today initially said that it was not worth doing due to the spread of his cancer....please say you are also confused!! He may also need to have his stomach drained again tomorrow but again no definites at this point - you begin to get a sense of my frustration.

Hopefully we may also see Dr Bulusi tomorrow but again no guarantees..depends on his workload so it may be Friday. We trust him above anyone else (medically)so please pray...can't say anymore tonight except thanks my guardian angels Nick and Sarah for all you did today.

Love as always, sleep well,

x